Tired of Pretending

Tired of pretending that I don't hurt
That I don't bleed
That I'm okay; that I don't need
Tired of laughing when I want to cry
Tired of living... afraid to die
Tired of struggling so hard to survive
Wondering why God is keeping me alive
Tired of hearing that I'm so tough
Wondering why no one has called my bluff
Cannot they see the pain I bear?
Or do they see and just don't care?

This was written before my realization that I was suffering with CFIDS and FM. I had always been the caretaker, overachiever, perfectionist, who could and would handle anything and everything that came down the pike for the whole family. They still have not recognized my illness and still resent the fact that I had to "let go and let God" concerning their needs. None of them visit, call, or offer to help in any way. My illness has made me useless in their eyes, and they think I have pulled a fast one on the government and live in the lap of luxury and am "lucky" because I do not have to work. I might as well have died last year with my oldest son, who passed from AIDS, as far as they are concerned. Without my enduring faith in the Lord, and the many friends I have made on the web, I could not go on. Thank you all so very much. God forgive them, for they know not what they do....

"Lady Di"