Jacki Ingalls

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Isolation is more than loneliness.

It's being in a room full of people that love you and being separated by impasses that no one understands.

Isolation is the feeling that life goes on without you.

You're alive but besides being a responsibility you feel you are little else - kind of like when someone dies. Everyone grieves, loves, and mourns but they can't stop living because the sun still rises each morning.

Isolation is the feeling you get before you ask someone to do something else for you and the feeling you get when they give you a resigned look and do it anyway.

Isolation is wondering as the days go by why you're here.

It's wondering if life for loved ones would be easier with you gone.

It's thinking of suicide as an option with the only thread of life being your fear of the unknown for your children and yourself.

Isolation is living in one room.

It's missed soccer games, parent-child picnics, family trips, church...time.

Isolation is feeling the minutes tick by and losing them everyday with no hope of regaining them.

It's watching your babies grow and not being able to play with them outside or pick them up when they're hurt.

It's knowing that even your staunchest believers and supporters get worn down with you & your family's care and have their own natural doubts.

Isolation is not being able to have or keep friends because they require too much energy.

It's not being able to make love because you're too tired.

It's not being able to go for a walk with your husband.

It's not being able to go on a date other than a movie.

Isolation is winter, when you can't leave the house because you inevitably catch a horrible virus that worsens your convalescent life.

It's always having to ask others to do things you should be able to do.

Isolation is watching your husband get worn down and depressed because he has to fill his role and yours.

Isolation is trying to explain to people why you're different.

It's people gossiping about what a pathetic person you are.

It's hearing that people disapprove of your dependence on loved ones.

It's people wondering if it's sin in your life that caused this awful condition.

Isolation is sitting and thinking of all the things you'd love to do.

It's the realization of all of the missed chances, the unrealized dreams, the impossible goals.

It's not being able to have another baby because you can't take care of the ones you have.

It's boredom and desperation.

Isolation is depression and loneliness and love.

It's wanting, praying, needing, and begging for something that isn't yours to have.

Isolation is wanting to help people but not being able to help yourself.

It's knowing you have so much to give but not being able to give it.

It's realizing that people are living with much worse conditions than yours but feeling sorry for yourself anyway.

Isolation is taking and not being able to give anything back.

Isolation is a feeling that no one can empathize with.

It's a feeling that you have to feel to understand.

It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Unfortunately, isolation is one of my best friends.

© Jacki Ingalls, 1997

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