Jason Hellwege

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What if the Rich and Famous had CFS?

Whilst in a deep contemplative mood, I posed myself the question:

"What would the world be like if the Rich and Famous had CFS?" ...well, here are a few possibilities...

Bill Gates:
Microsoft is proud to announce "Microsoft AutoBlather," a complete self-generating report system designed to create reports, essays, projects and theses when you're just too tired to type. All you have to do is specify the subject (via Microsoft's handy tool palette of 50,000 cryptically icon-ised buttons) and AutoBlather will write your article for you!

To further assist you, AutoBlather will insert suggestions, recommendations and unsolicited testimonials about other Microsoft products throughout your document, thus your readership will be thoroughly impressed by your concern for their productivity, and your intimate knowledge of the finest software products known to man. Microsoft AutoBlather will spare you further exertion by automatically deleting any non-Microsoft software and operating systems from your hard disk (in case you were tempted to physically drain yourself by using them) and transmit your credit card number to the Microsoft Dispatch Division with an order for replacement Microsoft AutoBlather-aware software products.

Just in case you, in your delicate condition, are intimidated by the cutting edge technology of Microsoft, Microsoft products will ensure that your computer will run as slowly as you do.

The Pope:
Free sedan chair for every CFS patient! (conversion a prerequisite). Comes complete with four Swiss Guardsmen, in the nifty outfits, to bear you hither and yon. Absolution available over the phone for those "Oh God, I'm feel like I'm gonna die" days.

In her latest book Madonna includes chapters entitled, "Let's Have Another Look at that Missionary Position Thing (or Lying Back and Having Fun)," "Letting the Guy Do All the Work," and "Maybe a Nice Cup of Tea IS Better After All."

Boutros Boutros-Ghali:
Every CFS patient gets (absolutely free!) their own UN Peacekeeping Force! Comes complete with a convoy of white Armoured Personnel Carriers (very impressive when you pop down to the corner shops) and a flack jacket!

CFS patients who have gone through more than one bout get to mark this milestone by using their first name for their middle name as well! Multiple-timers have the option of adopting one or more "Boutros's" for their middle name(s)!

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
"I'll be back ... though I may be a little late, so don't wait up, I like to have lots of little rests along the way. ... Hey! do you think that you could drive me? The Humvee's parked just outside!"

Jason Hellwege:
No big insights, I just wanted to see what my name looked like sitting beside Arnold's.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
"An autograph? Sure! To Doris, from A r n o l d S c h ... h ... ? ... er ... h ... err ..."

Brad Pitt:
Who cares? He's a schmuck!

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
In Terminator III, Arnold plays a Terminator, an evil killing machine, sent by SkyNet back from the future to ... do something or other ... don't give him any hints now ... it's bound to come back to him sooner or later ... ooo ooo ... it started with the letter "K"... I'm sure of it ... (Krochet? Kayaking? Kommunity Service?)

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Hey! Maybe he already has CFS!]

Francois Mitterand:
Lethargy is declared to be "Very French, Very Elegant, and Very...Je Ne Sais Quois." Every non-French speaking person on the planet automatically HATES all CFS fashion-victims.

Hillary Clinton:
"...incoming missiles?... Button?... errr gee honey, I had it in my hand just a minute ago. ... Look, let's retrace my steps--I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich ... and then I ... errrr ... what are we looking for again?"

Barney: [Singing]
"I love you, You love me, ... Ahhhhhhh ... who cares ... get away from me kid, or I'll play Jurassic Park with your head ..."

Judge Ito:

Reproduced with permission from CATHARSIS, volume 22, March 1995.

© Jason Hellwege, 1996

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